I Don't Want Her
04/26/2010

I've been fat and thin, fat and thin and fat again all my life.

I was a "Campbell's Soup" toddler. And in those days, that was okay. A chubby 1st grader, normal sized in 2nd and third grade - but in fourth grade puberty hit and I got chubby again. My dad was so disgusted, he told other people that my sister (also chubby) and I were my Mom's children by another marriage. He only owned our normal sized brother as his own.

I slimmed down from grade 7 on and was considered pretty and popular. Even in high school, I was courted by some of the best looking boys. There I met the love of my life. In my early 20's I was so slim and lovely, men would literally ask "Who is that!" when I'd walk into a room. Their attention was not especially welcome because my high school sweetheart and I were still in love and because I had no use for any man who would ONLY want me for my body. Then toward my 30's I started to gain weight.

At 28 my lover left me because I was too fat. (I was about a size 16 by then.) I moved far away but the fat caught up with me. From about 35 onwards, my weight went up and up. I was severely depressed. I became diabetic (although only the pill kind.)I was looked at with scorn by both men and women on the street and became a recluse - only leaving the house to go to work or shop.

In my 40's I began writing poetry and was coaxed out by a teacher and encouraged to read my poetry in public. It was passionate, sexy, romantic poetry and despite my size I discovered I enjoyed performance poetry. The only thing was, the audience loved my poems but not me. Many times I was complimented on my poems by men whom I could have been interested in, but who then turned to the skinny woman nearby and asked her out, having been aroused by MY WORDS.

In my early 50's I made the mistake of telling a man I admired that I was interested in getting to know him better. He reacted as though I had insulted him. How dare I with 'this' body even think he could be interested in me. I'd counted him as a "friend" before but clearly he didn\'t want me on his arm. He complimented me on my good taste in men and never was in contact with me again.

I'm almost 58 now - and oddly enough have, after menopause, lost weight again. I've gone from a 4x to a 1X and sometimes just an "X". The taxi driver last week told me I have a lovely smile. But I know better. No matter how thin I get, I will never be thin enough to have a place in this world. My body made me unloveable and so I have been distained and discarded for most of my life.

My extended family all are chubby - as most slavic people are. Good farm stock with metabilisms able to keep us alive during famine. We easily gain weight and keep it off only with great difficulty and deprivation. Yet, I am an intelligent, compassionate, gifted woman. But only the outside counts in this world. Especially, to those who are "spiritual". Those new agers who believe I earned this hell. Those "yogier-than-thou" who preach the primacy of the soul but discriminate according to body size.

I am angry and sad both. I had so much to give and now my life is winding down - I'll never do the things I dreamed. And all because of appearance. When I was thin I had all this unwanted attention from men who were only interested in my body and when I was fat, I was cut off from any romance by the appearance of my body. But fat or thin - I am the same person! Someone should have been able to appreciate me. Instead all I encountered was judement and exclusion. I am writing this to demonstrate how society's dictates on body size can ruin a life. Even a fat woman has something to share. Trouble is, no one wants it.