Disappear
All my life I've had a body complex. I thought everything about me needed to just DISAPPEAR!
I've practically been a twig my entire life... A twig with a distorted body image,
with a profession that constantly pushed me to be thinner, but a twig nonetheless. I always knew I was thin, but always wanted to be just a little bit leaner, a little bit toned...
I'm 5'9 and I fluctuated between 110 and 120 lbs... Like I said, a twig.
About a year ago, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. I moved to a new country. Everything changed.
I'm bigger now, I topped out this winter at about 165, with a body image that had plummeted to well below freezing. I loved the new D-cups, the butt, but the tummy, the thighs, the sheer bulk of me... It scared me, it appaled me...None of my clothes fit me anymore. Still don't. I blamed it on the changes, the new disease. All legitimate claims. But on a deep, subconcious level I felt I had failed, I had lost control...
The warmer it gets outside, the little excesses are starting to fall away. But I'm still uncomfortable. I still don't know what size I am when I go shopping.
Still wish I was just a little bit leaner, a little bit more toned.
