Accept Me As I Am

This morning I decided to write myself a letter, then when I got started writing I thought maybe I wanted to write everyone a letter. 

This itch may have started when a guy I had been seeing told me he could no longer see me in a romantic manner because I was too chubby for him. Well, for those of you who love the victory karma, haha, in-yo-face moment, here it is. I am poor. I’m a full time college student without a job. I can’t afford to wear clothes that show off my figure. However, yesterday the guy who broke it off with me saw me walk out of the gym. He stopped in his tracks and did a double. He walked up to me and told me I looked amazing. He saw me two weeks ago, not wearing my gym attire, and I was too chubby for him. I just looked at him, wondered what I ever saw in him, and walked away.

Score one chubby girl

Score zero douche bag

Now here’s a little about myself: I am 19 years old, currently in my third year of college. I’m a middle school dropout, who weighed 220lbs at fifteen. My father asked me one year when I was sixteen, what I wanted for Christmas. Now mind you, coming from a poor family we don’t generally have presents on Christmas, but this year was different. What did I want? I wanted to be healthy. I did not want to have to take a break walking up the stairs. I wanted to be able to go run, to smile, and to feel beautiful. For anyone who has lost weight in the past, I’m sure you know that achieving any of this is a struggle that you fight through every day. That year my dad bought an elliptical for me. It changed my life!

The first few months it was so hard, I wanted to give in every time I even looked at the elliptical. Nevertheless, I lost 25 pounds so I pushed on. At the eight-month mark, I was down 50 pounds and seeing so many changes in my body and my mind that I never thought were possible. At the year mark I was down 70 pounds…this was in 2013. Today I weigh 145 pounds. Anyone who has lost weight, especially large amounts of weight, understands that your body doesn’t always tighten up like a cheerleader's; it doesn’t work that way. I have stretch marks, flappy skin, and still some tub.  

However, that isn’t what matters… what matters is every morning when I wake, I see this amazing woman. I see a smile that makes me wanna cry because I’m so happy. I feel the hot sun beating on my skin when I run. I feel my feet pounding on the sidewalk. And I feel the rush of my breath as I hit my two mile mark. I see myself as someone so incredibly different, that sometime I wonder: "who am I?" And then I remember, I’m Kay. I love being outside, I love playing the Sims and COD, I want to be an education counselor because I don’t ever want to see a child forgotten the way I was. I am loud but shy, opinionated but a good listener, and slightly irrational but so loving. 

This may not have been what you thought I was going to say, but I’m glad you read it. I’m still chubby, I don’t wear things people think I should, but it doesn’t matter. You either accept me as I am, or move on. I’m not changing for anyone other than myself. 

And for my fellow chubster ladies who feel like they may never meet the one… it doesn’t matter how old you are, what size you are, or the color of your skin, we each have that one person out there made for us as we were made for them, you just have to start looking. 

PS. I love my awkwardly big feet! :)