I don't think I can ever remember a time where I wasn't disgusted with my own body.

Even from a young age I would constantly complain, whether it was to my friends or just to myself, about how much bigger I was than what seemed to me like everyone else. Â When I went to boarding school in 9th grade, this body misconception only became worse. Â At only 14 I was shipped off to Connecticut to attend one of the top schools in the country, knowing no one and being completely vulnerable. Â After being so body conscious for so long I had managed to maintain a fairly average weight of 130lbs at 5'8". Â Still, I was not satisfied and friends that I had made up at school grew tired of my constant complaining about my perfectly normal body. I even had guy friends tell me that I was "so insecure, it was unattractive."Â
Slowly, everything that was going on in my life started to drag me into a deep depression. Â The competitive setting of my school, my lack of parental guidance, and stress of school work and body image really took its toll on me. Â I relied on one friend who, though I didn't know it at the time, was a recovering anorexic, and we would order chinese food or pizza almost every night to avoid going to the dining hall where everyone else would eat. Â We secluded ourselves, and with every delivery order I could feel myself getting heavier and heavier. Â The physical I had going into my sophomore had me weighed at 163lbs, a record high for myself. Â I went into a complete panic. Â For the next three months, I picked up running and would run 2-3 miles everyday after field hockey practice. Â I opted for salads, I cut out sweets, and did as much nutritional research as possible to help me get the body I longed for. Â By late November I was 140lbs, and even though I was more toned and in the greatest shape I'd ever been in, it wasn't enough. Â
When winter came along, I upped my workouts even more. Â Losing weight became an obsession. Â I went to my school's gym 6 times a week for almost 2 hours a day, and soon everyone in the school noticed how often I would run the indoor track. Â I started receiving compliments about how much better my body looked, which only motivated me further. Â In order to lose weight I had to start skipping meals, eating less than 800 calories a day, and still run 5 miles every day. Â Of course, with all this restricting, I fell into an unhealthy binging cycle. Â Since staying at school had always made me feel embarrassed to binge, I began going home on the weekends to stuff my face only to repeat the vicious cycle when I returned to school. Â Being away from school during all those weekends, as well as spending so much time at the gym, ultimately caused me to lose a lot of friends because I simply didn't have enough time to hang out with anyone. Â Any free time I had I was too exhausted to do anything. Â It wasn't until spring break when I reached my breaking point. Â I would wake up early every day on vacation with my family to workout, then would proceed to starve myself for the rest of the day so that I wouldn't feel insecure about my bikini body. Â
I remember crying while my family was grocery shopping because I told myself I couldn't buy anything but I was really so hungry. Â That same night I snapped at my dad for a reason I can't remember at the dinner table, which was so intense it ended the meal and I stormed into my room. Â I listened through the door as I heard my parents talk about "what was happening to me", and heard them get upset about how I had become "skin and bones." Â That night I cried myself asleep, realizing I was even pushing away the few people that I had left to rely on. Â
So, starting the next day, I tried going back to a regular diet and immediately found that I was much less irritable and even back to my old self. Â In the months that followed, I remembered that night and tried to lessen the strictness of my diet and exercise routine. Â Slowly the lbs creeped back, and in a panic I began to skip meals and sometimes go days without eating, only to eventually binge and purge. Â I began developing bulimia but fought it in its early stages because I knew that I wanted to become healthy again. Â Now, at 150lbs, I'm still trying to find the balance between health and obsession, as well as trying to finally accept and love my body.