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Going To Love Myself

As I'm reading all of these entries, I have tears streaming down my the age of 25, I've struggled with my weight since middle school.


Throughout my childhood I was stick thin and could eat anything without thinking twice. Fast forward to middle school and my first experience with being called fat, and that was when I realized I hated my body. I've never been naturally athletic. I've struggled to run for more than a few minutes at a time for as long as I can remember--even at my lowest weight I wasn't in shape.

At my height of 5' 7.5" I've been everywhere from 110 lbs to 170. I'm currently floating anywhere from 150 to 160 depending on the week. The sight of my naked body honestly makes my stomach churn with disgust. I lost a total of 60 lbs at one point and then gained it all back due to the fact that I lost it unhealthily, starving myself, doing drugs and drinking instead of eating. As soon as I gave up drugs and alcohol and started eating again, the pounds piled on faster than I could even realize. I spent 4 years in an abusive marriage that beat down every ounce of self esteem I had and made me seriously question my worth as a human being. Following my divorce I had to move back in with my mom. I dropped out of college. Shortly following that I lost my job of 5 years, and it seemed like my life was spiraling out of control. I had no idea what to do.

Fast forward to now: I have a new job, and I'm enrolled in school for something I've always been passionate about. My life seems to be headed in the right direction for the first time in what feels like forever...I feel like I have so much to be thankful for, I just can't get past this negative body image. I see other women who are my exact height and weight, and they're so beautiful. I just wish I could feel that way about myself. I've always told myself "if I was skinny, I know I would be happy." I'm realizing more and more that I need to love myself for who I am, at whatever size I am. I might not be the skinniest woman in the world--my hips are probably too wide, my thighs too flabby--but this is the body that I've been given, and it's the only one I'll ever have. Instead of turning to food any time I'm feeling emotional, I have to find ways to cope. Instead of being so self conscious at the gym, I'm going to ignore everyone in the room and focus on my own health and happiness. For the first time in my life, I'm going to love myself.


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