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Hating My Body

Hating my body, from what I remember, started in high school.



I have never considered myself to be pretty or attractive. I was always involved in sports, so I wasn't overweight, but I had an "athletic" body instead of the thin body high school girls desire. I started dating my first boyfriend at the end of my junior year, and we stayed together thru my freshman year in college.


In that time I gained about 20 pounds to bring me to 140 pounds. He was extremely possessive and I was not allowed to do anything without him. I became severely depressed and started having anxiety attacks every time we went out in public. I hated myself and the way I looked. I finally got up the nerve to break up with him, and due to lack of appetite from the depression and anxiety I dropped down to 110 pounds. I am 5''5" so I was pretty thin, and I loved it. I was in therapy and started to gain some confidence back and while I still never saw myself as pretty, I was happier with my body.


A year after the breakup I met the man I would marry. I was very happy, became comfortable, and started to gain some weight. After 3 years of dating we got married and I weight 135. I wasn't thrilled but wasn't too disappointed either. Three years after that I was up to 150 and got pregnant with our first. I gained 55 pounds through the pregnancy. I was able to lose some of it but not nearly enough before getting pregnant with our second 18 months later. I was 180 at the start of the pregnancy and only gained 20 pounds, but I never lost the weight.


For the past several years I have stayed between 200 and 210 pounds.  My husband through all this would occasionally make some really cruel comments about how I looked-he remembered me at 110 and couldn't understand how I could be so lazy and stay so fat. I started to pull away from him because he made me feel so awful about myself, but I still loved him so I never left. My kids are now 7 and 9, and I found out 6 months ago my husband had been having an affair for a year. I had pulled away so much because of his cruel remarks that he looked somewhere else for the affection he wasn't getting. I stayed with him and we've been in counseling and are trying to work through this. I have lost 30 pounds and have 50 left to go to reach my goal weight of 130. I wonder a lot if I made the right choice by staying with him, but counseling has helped and we're in a much better place. He has stopped making cruel comments and realizes how much he hurt me but I still hate my body. I don't know that I will ever like it, but I am at least working toward being a healthy weight.

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