I'm a 22 year old marine wife and mother of a 4 year old little boy.
Growing up I was 1 of 6 kids so with that being said we weren't raised on the healthiest food. It was generally whatever we could afford and that was fast for my mother to make, so we did a lot of pasta and ramen noodles and koolaid. Needless to say I was a chubby little girl, and my brothers, who happened to be blessed with my dads high metabolism, showed me no mercy. They always called me names such as fattany lardene, which was a clever play on my name Brittany Marlene. They made up songs and just whatever they could say to taunt me they would!
I developed an eating disorder really early on while I was still in elementary school in fact. I was always at the dr trying to find out why I wouldn't keep my food down but I'd never tell them it's because I was ashamed for have eating it in the first place this went on for a couple years and then slowed down when I met my husband fell in love and was somewhat happy with who I was, that is until his first deployment.
I was 8 months pregnant and he was due to deploy in 3 days when I got heart breaking news that he'd been cheating through our entire relationship I was devastated to say the least. I got really sick during my pregnancy couldn't eat and didn't even want to stay awake long enough to remember that I was due to be a mother within weeks. My husband was gone and since he was deploying so fast I had no choice but to be the bigger person and forgive him. Forcing forgiveness I began to blame myself: I deserved it. I was so gross and how could he love me?
After the birth of my little boy I spent 6 weeks recovering and getting I know my little man but as soon as the 6 weeks past I was at that gym spending as much time as I could spare getting in shape, tanning and doing everything I could to be the best possible version of myself before my husband returned from Afghanistan.
I did it! 10 pounds lighter that my prepregnancy weight! No stretch marks! Nothing! He had to love me. I worked so hard, he'd be proud. I was sadly mistaken and the cheating went on through another deployment.
I got implants and braces. I took care of myself. I only ate once a day. I got dizzy. I felt so weak, so tired but I didn't care because it had to be my fault and I needed to be better.
I got to 119 lbs and was miserable. I cried everyday. He treated me so horribly, told me I was pathetic and so on.
Well, finally he decided that he didn't want me anymore he told me I had to leave and I felt so destroyed.
My life ended that day. I failed. I lost my family and my entire reason for being. I drank myself to the point of black out and ended up in the hospital for 3 days on suicide watch. I was embarrassed to have lost control in such a way.
When I got out I moved with my family and began a happy life again. I ate a little more normally but slowly found myself over eating. I gained back everything I worked so hard to get off and the smallest part of me didn't even care.
I met someone! He loved everything about my body. He couldn't keep his hands off me. It was pure bliss.
My soon to be exhusband found out after almost a year of separation. I had found someone and he lost it. He cried and pleaded with me and this piece of me that wanted nothing more than our family wanted to come home.
I made the mistake of moving back and it's been a struggle every day since then. I want to be happy and believe that he loves me and my body just as much as he claims, but it's so hard because the past haunts me and I feel so insecure.
So here I am back on my weight loss journey and determined as ever. I want to love myself. I want to feel confident. I want to be happy, but is that even possible these days?
