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Kidneys, Cancer, And Beauty

To be honest, I have always been so insecure about my body.



Even when I was a little girl. I would see all of the other popular girls and just feel ashamed that I had a chubby face, chubby fingers and a flabby stomach. I hated myself. I tried not eating, but my love for food would overcome that. Anytime I would starve myself, the day after I would indulge on food and then feel so ashamed. I couldn't get rid of this terrible FAT. I avoided mirrors, it was actually quite humorous. It got so bad I removed mirrors from all of my rooms in my home. I did not want to see myself at all.


Then later on when I was fifteen I was diagnosed with kidney failure, and that made me lose A LOT of weight, because my body rejected any kind of food I tried to put in. I used to be 190 at 13 years old, then I was 135 when I got sick. I loved it. You could see my spine and my collarbone and rib cage and I was completely mesmerized by it. It was sick how happy I was that I got sick.


Then I started gaining weight once I got better and received a kidney transplant. I stayed at 140, then suddenly it was 150...160...170...now 180. I feel like crying. I have defeated kidney failure, and also cancer (lymphoma) at seventeen. I am a survivor but why is it that such a small thing is destroying me? I hate that I let myself get this bad again. My fingers are fat, so is my face, and my stomach.


I'm not much to look at. I'm 5'6, have long blood red hair (dyed), blue eyes, big lips, small boobs, very wide hips, flabby stomach with a whole bunch of scars from surgeries. Small cottage cheese ass. It is terrible. I have been "gifted" with being overweight but I can't even get a big ass or boobs with it? Nope. I have nothing at all.


At the same time I feel pretty because other people support me, but I struggle every single day, and this might help. Watching and reading your inspiring stories. What Real Women Look Like. I'm trying to lose weight right now because I want to be healthy and I want to be beautiful. I really just want to stop this eating disorder. I want to look in the mirror and not care, and say I'm beautiful and I don't have to be skinny to be beautiful. I want to comfortable in my own skin, and I am praying someday that might happen. I seriously need help, and I want all of you ladies to know you have been helping. Love you all.

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