I'm a confident woman today, I love who I am and how I look, but it wasn't always like that.
As a precursor in order to understand my position: When I was a kid I was something of the odd one out, reading Greek mythology under the slide or getting teased for the butterfly-patterned eye-patch I wore under my glasses that attempted to correct my dead-eye (unsuccessfully) and on top of that I was the smallest kid I knew. My teachers have never been fond of me, and back then neither were my classmates, and from that formed a general social anxiety which dominated my emotional and physical view of myself, and still effects my life to this day.
Through middle school I was bisexual, and more attractive as a lesbian then I was straight. I don't in fact remember being flirted with by a man once before I went to high school. This is understandable as apart from having a slender build and an excellent metabolism, I was utterly without curves of any kind, short, and not to mention pretty unpopular. I thankfully had ditched the eye-patch and glasses. I don't know how much I weighed because I never bothered to weigh myself. It didn't seem worth it, I spent my time instead envying the C and D cup sizes of my "lucky" classmates, and being my usual clunky air-headed self. (I was a very oblivious and naive youth.)
Through high-school that changed though, I went through an extremely rebellious (and drunken) stage. I still had A cups, and no curves, but I had one thing going for me physically. I was in a high school where every grade had 20-30 students, and I was one of 5 girls in my grade. This was a common gender ratio in the school. (It had so few students because it was a private school for children who learn differently, I went there for ADHD). Dating therefore went marginally better, and my confidence grew just a bit about my physical appearance. It also helped that I began to grow taller finally, slowly but surely making my way towards being an average height. Though there were few options for me either, and I ended up not dating anyone for more then a few weeks in all of high school, and the only opinion I ever heard on my body was 'she's probably ugly naked' which didn't help.
High school went south for me at the same time the economy did (and not coincidentally) as I was uprooted from my home state of Texas(<3) and moved to Utah. I had just begun to grow out of my usually very shy and under-confident self into a more outspoken spunky character, but the move completely changed things. The new school was terrible, and I was completely disconnected from my few friends. I went from classes of 10 students to classes of 60 students, where I became a fly on the wall and subsequently, not there at all. And as you might expect, I began to gain weight and care less and less what people thought of me. I was 5'4 and weighed 160 by the time I was 16, and it wasn't muscle mass. And there were more moves to come, more high schools, and even though I eventually ended up back in Texas, it was at a new school where I eventually dropped out.
But not before I did the best move of my teenage career (which had few good ones!). I don't know why I chose the most physically demanding sport I could have, but I chose to join a competitive Crew team. This rapidly kicked my rear into gear, and I was starting to seriously doubt my decision as I started up a grueling workout routine that required extreme diligence and perseverance. I have been gifted artistically and musically, but unfortunately I have never been physically gifted with any amount of strength or balance, and hardly any grace. I managed after a year of this to not only start to love the sport, but to feel confident and begin to see the results of it (my body changes very slowly) and finally by the time I was 17 I was 5'6 and weighed 130. I also had rather suddenly grown into a D cup over the course of a few months it seemed. However I had very little time to even notice, or care, before I dropped out of high school and all social interaction for a year. My usual attire was over-sized sweaters and I played World of Warcraft for endless hours. It certainly didn't keep my trim shape, but I had set down a base that couldn't easily be erased, though I never returned to working out (even now)
Finally... something changed. I quit WoW, and I moved once more out of Texas to San Francisco with my mother right before my 18th birthday. I got a job. I had to look classy when I went to work, so I went and I bought some fancy clothes for cheap at vintage stores with my mom. And then when I started working I realized something. Guys were staring at me, all over the place. It was an odd feeling and I was pretty uncomfortable (social anxiety doesn't help) but I managed to just try and act confident and ignore it. I realized that if I dressed up nice, and acted with a good attitude, that people were noticing me. I realized that I had become pretty cute without really noticing. I try to maintain a good look now, and keep my weight between 120-130. I'm pretty thankful that I turned out alright, and these days I feel so much more normal and confident then I ever have in my life! It also makes me realize looking back I needed to give myself more of a break. Some girls are late bloomers, and I always have been!
