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People Cannot See The Work

I've had issues with weight my entire life.


I remember kids chanting "cow man" to the theme of Batman. My parents would ask me if I "really wanted to eat that? I know your weight bothers you." Growing up, I didn't really watch what I ate at but it appeared to be fairly close to what my skinny friends ate. Regardless, my weight slowly creeped up until college when I realized I had hypothyroidism, and I was up to 220 lbs at 22. My legs were chafing so badly it hurt to walk, and I couldn't take it any more.

After never dieting, once I started running, lifting weights, and eating an extremely strict diet of ~1400 calories a day and no more than 50 grams of carbs, in about 2 years I was able to drop down to 165. My goal was 150...however to maintain 165 I had to measure every meal on a scale and bring the entire day's meals everywhere. I wouldn't eat out, wouldn't drink, wouldn't have desserts. This obsessiveness, undereating, and over exercising caused me to not get my period for a year. I also started showing signs of bulimia. 

In an effort to normalize my eating I'm back up to 180 lbs. and I'm frustrated every day. I work out a LOT, and I eat virtually no carbs. I feel fairly attractive actually, and I don't find celebrity thin women attractive, but I'm not just a little curvy. I'm obsessed with the idea of just losing enough to be truly considered curvy not fat. I don't want anyone looking at me and thinking I'm lazy and that I lack discipline.

I'm frustrated that people cannot see the work I put into maintaining even 180 lbs. I'm able to control and sacrifice and challenge myself to succeed in every other area or my life except my weight, and it's really a constant obsession. I've tried EVERYTHING to lose this weight again.


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