I became self critical of my body when I was 7 or 8 years old because I felt I was too fat.
I dealt with these feelings all through middle and high school and for a few years after. I felt that the fat on my body was something to be ashamed of and that it made me undesirable both as a lover and as an individual. My concern for my weight and eating habits seemed to consume me at times. I eventually began binge eating and then forcing myself to vomit around the age of 15. I did this fairly consistently for about 3 years. My body image issues overlapped confusingly with my sexual attraction for women.
They were unobtainable to me because I didn't believe I would be good (thin) enough for them to be attracted to. Simultaneously, they were competition for me and I envied those who were thinner or prettier than me. The irony is that I later realized that I am extremely attracted to BBWs. I love chubby arms on women (something I hated in myself for years). I love cute round bellies (though I wanted mine flat for so long. I am driven wild by chubby thighs (mine are more than ample). My appreciation for a variety of women (and men) has allowed me to overcome by body issues. I realize that I am attracted to fat! It is sexy! But then again so are abs! There is no such thing as a perfect stomach or perfect thighs or perfect facial features. These things all become beautiful when in the context of a beautiful individual. Once I accepted and came to love my body my mind was freed from constantly worrying about my weight and food intake. I simply read my body and eat what feels good. I am so happy to say that I LOVE my body! Not every day is a good one full of self love, but the majority are. I will take steps backward and forward, but I will not loose track of understanding and wisdom I have gained on my path to self acceptance and love.
As a child I used to tease my skinny friends, because I was jealous of them. Now that I have opened my eyes to the depth of beauty in myself and my friends I am able to help them to see themselves as I see them. Now that I have overcome my jealously I can be here to remind them that they are perfection incarnate! My relationships with women went from awkward, confusing, and cruel to loving, enriching, and empowering. I wish you all the best in your own journeys and I hope you all learn to see the goddesses that you are!
