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The Fight

I'm turning 18 in a month.


Height: 5'5, Weight: 155, Body type: athletic

I've been an athlete almost all of my life. I've been called "thick" by many guys recently. I came to find out that wasn't an insult, but to me I see nothing but negativity; a label to which I rebel against. In my early childhood I was chubby to the point where I was teased. You never forget the feeling of complete humiliation when one of your peers calls you "fatass," etc, etc.


I turned to sports to find my solace, I was intensely competitive and I thrived off of the power and burn of pushing myself and getting what I wanted. I became more comfortable with my slimming and muscular body.


But now that I am moving on to college and ending the chapter in my life where basketball consumed my life, I am finding it harder and harder to come to terms with my build.


I was in a quasi-relationship with a guy I knew for a very long time; I liked him more than I even realized. We were "together" off and on for approximately 3 years. It took him less than 2 weeks to move on to someone else without so much as an explanation. I developed an eating disorder as a result. I would binge eat and throw up directly after that.


I have yet to stop this awful disorder and I fight with myself every day. I am extremely obsessive compulsive; I feel like I have to compartmentalize the hurt that I have and gain control over it through physical actions that I can account for and in a sense "check off" like a to-do list.


It has gotten progressively worse throughout the months. I obsessively exercise in hopes to fix my body along with the binging and purging. I know this is unhealthy and I know my mindset is completely skewed but I just can't seem to shake the overwhelming sense of disgust and shame in how I look.


The media doesn't help, I constantly see pictures of beautifully sculpted women that men want so badly and I feel like nothing, like this is why he didn't want me and no one else will until I look like them. I realize that this is wrong but I can't help it.


I pray often and there are undeniably times where I tell myself "you are beautiful." But I compare myself and see nothing but the imperfections, and I feel like once I finally feel good about myself something happens that just tears me back down and I end up right back where I was.


Hopefully this helps me in my battle with body image. Thanks for listening, everyone.

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