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Wish Me Well

Today is a bad day, all determined by the number on the scale.


I am 5'6 and weigh 198 pounds

I am 48 and have struggled with eating issues throughout my life. At age 12 I had anorexia severe enough for mom to take me to the doctor. I was never overweight until the past 7 years, where a combination of factors, aging, metabolism, and medical issues...combined to a 40 pound weight gain. I am 5'6 and weigh 198 pounds. I struggle, I wrestle, I battle with my size.

On one hand I feel strong (I still exercise regularly) but on the other hand I feel the belly that gets in my way. I join weight watchers, lose the weight, only to gain it back plus some. In some ways I relate myself to an addict. There is no difference. I am on track, eating well, then I feel deprived, and binge, over eat. It is a yo yo cycle. That's truly the hardest part. Like a junkie relapsing. It feels despairing. I don't want the scale to go up. I'm getting older and by body really can't carry the extra weight. I think it's really a mental thing. You must come to terms, in your mind, with a plan, a decision, and stay the course. For whatever reason, I have not been able to do this in the past six years. This is coming from the marathon runner, the former anorexic, the "perfect" girl. A part of me just resigned and said, "to hell with it" after all those years of yearning for approval. On the other hand, I know that completely letting "go" isn't healthy either. I really struggle. I need help but cannot seem to find it within myself. That's where it needs to start. Wish me well.


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